Just Do It

(First of all, don't worry, this is not a suicide note despite how it might sound here at the beginning)
I understand why people choose to blow their brains out as a means of suicide, and it's not just because it's the most sure-fire method.  It's because they hate their brains so much that they want to obliterate them.  My brain is really the only reason I've ever thought about suicide, and it's NOT because I'm stupid as my BRAIN would have me believe.  I mean, I have a pretty cushy life - steady and well paying job, safe and fairly comfortable shelter, ample sustenance, no debilitating diseases, etc.  If I could turn off all non-purposeful thought in my brain, I wager I'd be a pretty happy camper.  But my brain will simply not SHUT UP and let me live. 

And it's not just the constant regrets and critical analysis of every miniscule thing I do and say, it's even my dreams.  Not only do I get to deal with the recurring nightmares about my high school and college years, but I get gems like the one I had last night.  First of all, it involved me rollerblading.  Now, to the average Joe this might not seem like a big deal, but I'm a skateboarder - I don't like rollerblading or rollerbladers - why can't I dream about skateboarding?  And this is not the first dream I've had that had me rollerblading by any means - I've had numerous.  WHY?!  But much, much worse than the rollerblading (which isn't really so bad because it's kind of like flying the way I do it in my dreams) was the deal with women.  So, if you know me, you know I don't have much luck with "the ladies."  So I'd kinda hope that dreams would offer some respite from the romantic doldrums, but NOOOOO!  So basically, there was this girl from my past - we'll call her Becky - who I had a bit of a secret, subtle crush on back in the day.  Becky wasn't necessarily what you'd call a "hottie," but she had a certain charm to her, and she was a nice girl.  There was some interaction between us and I'm fairly certain we danced together at a few dances, but we never got to the point of "dating" or "going steady" as it was called back then.  I guess I always wished we could've but it "wasn't meant to be."  Anyway, so in this dream Becky had come back to town to visit while some weird festival was going on, and we got to hanging out, and she had blossomed into a very appealing (to me) young lady, although a little wilder than I would've liked/expected.  So I started to fall pretty hard for her, but it seemed she had a man "back home."  Unfortunately, this did not prevent her from exhibiting very warm and even downright flirtatious behavior towards me.  I try to ignore it since I know it won't amount to anything because she's got someone else, but I'm also powerfully smitten.  So at one point we're sitting by a lake at night, talking about her imminent departure, and there's a cold breeze and she's waxing depressedly about how she'd like to move back here or whatever, and then - and I totally see it coming - she gets up, walks over to me, and snuggles up close to get out of the wind.  I can't resist, and I go to put my arm around her, and...she stops me saying she can't because of what's "back in (her home town)" i.e. her boyfriend.  This irritates me to no end, and what's worse is that we end up holding hands, and she's all leaning up against me and such - total romantic setting city EXCEPT for the fact that it's not.  Fun stuff right?  F$%&!!

So anyway, I wake up and can't stop thinking about this stupid dream, so here I am dwelling on it.  *sigh*  What a bunch of B.S.  It's just like my waking George Costanza existence: if I like them, they don't like me; if they like me, I don't like them.  I've kind of lost my train of thought at this point, but I just felt like expressing my personal desire to blow my brains out right now, but keep living.  You know what I'm saying?  Alright, I'm going to try and go do something productive to get my mind off all this now.  Thank you for listening oh anonymous vacuum of the interwebs.